Are You A Gaslighter?

March 1, 2024

“Gaslighting is the systematic attempt by one person to erode another person’s reality by telling them that what they are experiencing isn’t so — and, the gradual giving up on the part of the other person.”

 Robin Stern



The term “Gaslighting” comes from a 1938 play, “Gas Light”, which was made into a movie in 1944 called... Gaslight. In the film, the husband convinces his wife that she is losing her mind and her sense of reality so that he can have her put away into a mental institution and steal her inheritance.

 

Gaslighting in adult relationships is possible, because the ‘gaslighter’ has found a patsy, and when their victim reacts to the first bit of criticism levelled at them, the perpetrator then runs with it.

 

I was fortunate to have an Executive Coach many years ago provided by a company where I was their top-performing salesperson. The Coach told me that his job was to reign me in and correct behaviours that my CEO, at the time, believed were ingrained and needed a “Demons come out!” approach like those that Tony Robbins applied in the lift scene from Shallow Hal, where Jack Black reveals to Tony Robbins his perfectionism concerning his expectation of what makes a woman beautiful, hence his name “Shallow Hal.”

 

The Coach said I needed to remove all emotion from my boardroom behaviours or reactions. I had shown reactions and cues which were picked up on and used against me as far as my sensitivities were concerned. Some of the boardroom bullies' comments were designed to unravel me or create doubt in my mind, which always worked before the guru’s advice and implementation of his strategies.

 

The most significant improvements I made at that time came from my coach’s encouragement around me not taking things personally and not worrying about the games people played and that I didn’t always have to be a people pleaser.

 

He introduced me to the concept of “the toolbox fallacy” the idea that I always needed more tools in my kit to be successful and accepted. In his words of encouragement and the mantra, he implored me to adopt. “I am enough”.

 

Fast forward to this morning, when I met this very same man for a coffee and to gift him an advance copy of my book “IS YOUR BOSS MAKING YOU SICK?”

 

I had inscribed on the inside cover words of gratitude to him regarding my book coming to fruition because of his guidance, and I believe my journey into coaching resulted from his encouragement of me at the time.

 

I asked him a question that popped into my head: "What did you see as my biggest issue at the outset of our coaching together?”

Instantly he answered, “You didn’t believe in yourself!”

He went on to say I had all the bravado to be the top performer that I was, but because I didn’t believe in myself, I was making it harder for myself.

He remembered my strict upbringing, which would have contributed to my self-limiting beliefs and attitude.

 

As I drove home, I acknowledged his words and considered the role that my lack of self-belief had played in my journey and that even though I had apparent evidence of my skills and abilities, I still consciously prime my self-talk so that I don’t doubt myself as my self-talk can do from time to time.

 

As an “out loud” self-talker when alone, I exclaimed at this epiphany; “You are gaslighting YOURSELF David Lee!”  

 

And with that, I decided to have a second round of journaling when I got home and to re-write some goals with all the self-confidence that my preparedness deserves.

 

Where across the course of your day today can you consider where it might be that you are gaslighting yourself?


Fear it is said is “False Evidence Appearing Real”


The opposite of FEAR is FAITH Facts Actively Interpreted Through Heuristics”

 

Stick to the facts and back yourself. If you’ve done your homework, you shouldn’t fear the questions in the exam.

 

“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.”

Frederick Douglas.


Don’t keep this to yourself. Spread the word.

By David Lee September 25, 2024
"How you wake up each day and your morning routine (or lack thereof) dramatically affects your levels of success in every single area of your life. Focused, productive, successful mornings generate focused, productive, successful days— which inevitably create a successful life." Hal Elrod (Author of The Miracle Morning )
By David Lee June 30, 2024
"By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest." CONFUCIOUS In their book Ikigai: The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life, Hector García and Francesc Miralles write that there is no word in Japanese that means to retire in the sense of leaving the workforce for good. The Oxford Dictionary defines ikigai as “a motivating force; something or someone that gives a person a sense of purpose or a reason for living”. In researching their book, García and Miralles spent time in the village of Ogimi on the Japanese island of Okinawa. Ogimi is known as the village of longevity. Its 3000 inhabitants enjoy the highest life expectancy in the world. In Japanese culture, retiring and not keeping mind and body busy is considered bad for your health since it disconnects your soul from your ikigai. Being of service to the village by continuing to be involved in community life or continuing to work is felt to be a key ingredient to longevity. In the book, 92-year-old resident Akira says: “Every day I wake up and go to the fields to grow tomatoes. Later I walk to the grocery store next to the beach and sell them. In the afternoon I go to the community center and prepare green tea for all my family and friends.” These Japanese people keep doing what they love and what they are good at even after they have left the office for the last time. The French, of course, have a similar expression—“raison d’être”—which the Oxford Dictionary defines as “the most important reason for somebody’s/something’s existence”. The more time I spend with spritely elderly people, the more I find they are still involved in their community as volunteers or working the job they loved before they “retired”. Like many of the lessons older people have taught me, we shouldn’t wait until we’re retired to adopt their happiness-inducing and youth-preserving behaviours. The definition of what makes people happy varies greatly, however in his book From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness, and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life, Arthur C. Brooks believes that the three major ingredients of happiness are enjoyment, satisfaction, and purpose. The satisfaction and enjoyment I receive from encouraging people to be better than they believe they are, and to press on in times of hardship, provides a real sense of meaning and purpose in my life. The Dalai Lama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, replied: “Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.” I’ve coached many people who spent the first half of their lives chasing wealth and are now spending the second half of their lives chasing back their health. I’ve been coaching many more people lately who aren’t concerned about the health they have lost. They fear being cast aside and replaced by much younger yet inexperienced people, threatening the wealth they created while they adopted a “health is your wealth” mentality. Those deciding my client’s fates are themselves, in most cases, much younger than these seasoned campaigners. The dirtiest secret I keep for one of my good friends is his age. He invited me to his 40th, which was really his 50th and the younger folks were none the wiser. The best kept secret of my healthiest clients is also their age. I used to say the payoff of fitness is vanity. These days I say it is sanity. The peace of mind my fit "old" friends have is that they look younger than their age, because they look after themselves. In searching for ideas to support how I wanted to describe the collective suffering people have struggled with in the past yet are now enjoying equality and opportunities provided for them after many generations of struggle, ChatGPT served up the following. "Diversity refers to the presence of differences within a given setting. These differences can include various dimensions such as race, ethnicity, gender, age, sexual orientation, socioeconomic status, physical abilities, religious beliefs, political beliefs, and other ideologies." Unprompted, I was then offered, “In a broader sense, diversity encompasses the unique characteristics and perspectives that individuals bring to a group, organization, or society, enriching the collective experience and fostering a more inclusive environment.” I was invited to pitch for a consulting role with a global organisation 10 years ago and the friend who had organised the meeting warned me of the CEO’s bias toward younger people. Within 10 minutes of our meeting, the CEO was challenging the energy levels and enthusiasm of more experienced people as he called them, versus that of 20–30-year-olds. At this point, with the benefit of the heads up, I pulled out my phone and showed him a video to illustrate my point in age versus experience I went on to suggest that the challenge for the 3 standout players in this video was to teach the energetically enthused players how to do what they could do, while they were on the job, not in handover notes that will never be read.. I got the gig. I do think that ageism is the last blatant discrimination in the workplace and needs to be addressed by those with much more clout than my keyboard and contacts can achieve. The brave new world aside, Dame Carol Black from the Centre for Ageing Better brilliantly pointed out “Ageism compounds all other “isms”. Ageism and sexism; ageism and racism etc” A final word to the “whys” of those considering losing experience from their workforce is best left to Carole Eastern CEO of Ageing Better; “Ageism is prejudice against our future selves” The challenge for any generation is to assimilate with people of all ages. Most of the best advice I received in the workforce was bestowed upon me by older colleagues in a social setting for the cost of a steak and a wine, and most of the advice I have dispensed to younger colleagues has been dispensed the same way. Curiously, when I joined the workforce, the biggest shortcoming that was ever levelled at me was my lack of experience.. Age well. DL “The young have bad manners, contempt for authority, disrespect for their elders and a love for chatter instead of exercise. Children began to become the tyrants of their households ……. They no longer rise for their elders ….” Socrates
By David Lee June 21, 2024
“It seems to me that the real problem is the mind itself, and not the problem which the mind has created and tries to solve. If the mind is petty, small, narrow, limited, however great and complex the problem may be, the mind approaches that problem in terms of its pettiness.” Jiddu Krishnamuti
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